This is essay is part of Applied Biofoundationalism. All chapters are linked at the end. I listened to this modified song while writing this essay. I’m glad some of you enjoy when I share the listening environment. Enjoy.
If one element of a relationship is completely obedient, unquestionably loyal, mindlessly submissive, always deferential, etc. it's viscerally unattractive to most everyone not suffering from insecurity. It’s a problem, because it makes you a solved problem at a time when you’re not supposed to be. This means no challenge, no friction, no mystery, no surprise at a time when there needs to be.
A relationship is a dyad. A pair bond. A sexual duality with two symbiotic and productively countervailing forces that’s healthiest with a semblance of balance. A relationship synthesizes its own mini human gestalt: the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, and the pair-bonded sexual dyad is the powerhouse of civilized society.
If the parts are not symbiotic then they do not enhance each other; if they are not countervailing, then one side dominates the other: neither is consistent with a healthy dyad.
A dyadic sexual asymmetry manifests as one side being disregarded, dismissed, or taken for granted: many problems cascade out of this. Latent resentment lurks in almost all common fights.
An incongruence is a prelude to some level of dissatisfaction, and both are worse off for it: neither side exists in isolation. In a dyad, to help one is to help both; to advantage one is to advantage none.
Relationships manifest in three states: gray, caustic, or colorful.
Gray. Caustic. Colorful.
Constant antagonism and omnipresent agreement represent different sides of the same unfulfilling coin.
“Countervailing” does not mean perpetual conflict or acting adversarially. Fighting is to be expected when two people share a life together. If you never disagree, someone is a cipher and not fulfilling (or not being allowed to fulfill) their end of the dyad: this is grayness.
Incessant bickering is not productive. It indicates a lack of symbiosis; both members are present, but they are not compatible. Rather than elevating or enhancing the other, they decay them. A caustic union is an internecine pairing that vitiates both parties rather than strengthening them. It does not cultivate a gestalt, just fragmented dissonance; it’s the opposite of the whole being greater than the sum of its parts.
No friction indicates a gray monolith.
No reconciliation and disharmony breed a caustic union.
Disagreements are synonymous with contrast, and a dyad is composed of a biologically and cognitively contrasting pair, by natural design. Agreeing on everything is a chimerical fiction when two elements have been engineered to process information and morality differently.
When expressions are shared earnestly and mutually respected, you have two components who exist distinctively, and their disputes don’t decrement the whole, creating something greater than the sum of its parts.
Two unique elements with productive frictions produce a colorful dyad.
Colorful Frictions
Early Seasons
Everything living has seasons to its existence.
We do not cherish what’s effortlessly obtained. Stimulation in domains from the spiritual, emotional, and entrepreneurial comes from small triumphs borne from obstacles. You value what you earn, not what's handed to you - in life and in love.
A spark from a match comes from productive friction, and so does a spark of arousal. A chemical reaction is elements combining in a way that results in something new; we subconsciously recognize this through abstractions, such as our metaphorical use of the word “chemistry” to communicate a romantic glimmer.
“We have great chemistry” does not convey “wow we’re identical” nor does it say “we always disagree” - but an ideal little blend in between.
A missing spark denotes insufficient tensions, inadequate contrast to augment the complements, and it signals someone is either a passive participant, or they’ve prematurely become a known sequence of behaviors. Predictable, before they’re allowed to be. A solved problem means there’s nothing left to discover.
Man fades when he’s bereft of meaningful struggle and always gets what he wants, because that means he’s not getting what he needs. Muscles atrophy without any resistance. An immune system with nothing to do sometimes turns on itself. Idle hands are the devil's plaything. “Victory has defeated you”. Give mankind utopia and he'd destroy it to usher in some excitement. Hormesis is necessary. The volatility tax must be paid.
This onslaught of disparate metaphors all contains the same ancient truth. You cannot escape it. And if you try to ignore it, you pay a price.
Gray Monoliths
Reciprocative, authentic expression is the kind of lively communication that makes you look forward to each other’s texts; this is necessary in a relationship’s early seasons. A dearth of it signifies waning passion, and makes the interaction feel like a chore. Vibrant expression = lovely frictions = arousing invigoration = passion.
If there’s no passion, it never stood a chance.
This is what’s so instinctively repellent about milquetoast mannerisms or clinginess: it represents the absence of a challenge. This emits an evolutionarily encoded “ick”. Servility evokes a sharp aversion because we perceive either weakness or emptiness in someone when they exhibit it. A hollow vessel you can unilaterally control is not a romantic partner, it’s not anyone who will enhance you, only enable you.
We can sense there’s not much to earn if it’s obediently handed over on command. No hurdles means it’s easy, and will not bring out our best. No chemical reaction with only a bunch of one chemical. No spark with just a match.
Obsequiousness is a toxic precursor; its presence collapses the space between two people into a single, inert state where tensions are vacant and frictions too smoothed. Instead of a supplementary, colorful dyad… it’s a gray monolith.
A gray monolith is either a tyrannical disparity where one side acts as dictator, or a mutually tiresome bore that leaves a sensual void; neither is emotionally satisfying.
The moment you’re seen as tediously predictable or unwaveringly subservient is the moment your individuality can be subverted and stripped, leaving you either vulnerable to manipulation (pathological) or devoid of genuine connection (grayness). It represents the absence of accountability, as it occurs when one element stops standing up for itself, or doesn’t know how. Without accountability there’s no responsibility: love requires commitment consistent with these terms.
Love understands devotion demands reciprocity, which necessitates responsibility to each other. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is without some condition; “unconditional” only speaks to a condition too dark and unpleasant to recognize. Something is always expected of you; if you don’t know what that is, you’ll figure it out when you stop (or start) doing it.
Gray monoliths and caustic unions metastasize by overlooking implicit conditions of love; things like disregarding feelings and taking one for granted. These unions are not maintained through love, but rather are sad creatures of corrosive convenience.
One side typically sticks around because they have to, or don't know what else to do. A lack of options, or lack of will, becomes your prison…
Patterns of Comfort
Late Seasons
Patterns materialize as the seasons shift: does this predictability produce tedium, or comfort?
When your behavioral loops have been identified, the enigmatic excavation concludes. As a problem, you have been solved. But that’s okay! If you’re never unraveled then your spouse doesn’t truly know who you are and can’t authentically love you. Everyone’s loops are eventually laid bare.
In a relationship’s early seasons, predictability induces formulaic fatigue. In later seasons, predictability provides familiarity and a sense of comfort.
In early seasons, predictability elicits monotony; in later seasons, predictability yields structure. Love finds comfort in routine, whereas a situationship finds boredom in it. Patterns of comfort signify a heartfelt knot.
Passion is a breeding ground for love. Infatuation’s soil must stick around long enough for love’s roots to form.
Passion needs stimulation and novelty to persist; these do not last forever, and passion eventually fades with them. A lasting bond develops when love’s roots grow while passion’s candle still burns. When passion’s season ends, love carries the next season.
Your significant other will not be fascinating and electrifying ‘til death do you part. Over enough anniversaries, everyone eventually becomes a solved problem and a known sequence of behaviors. A predictable loop. The feelings towards those lifelong spousal habits are a window into the relationship’s roots… do you see droning, rote tendencies, or adorable, comforting traits?
This scene depicts one man’s fear of tedious predictability being exposed to another man’s loving familiarity: two different seasons in dialogue… it’s hard to find a more beautiful illustration of a pattern of comfort than this:
A relationship in its early seasons relies on innervating novelty to incubate intimacy. Romance and thrill are found in expectations you were unsure would be fulfilled.
When your sequences are known, it marks a change of season. The initial connection the relationship was founded on begins to either erode, or transition.
A gray monolith and caustic union erode into stultifying repetition and resentment. An iridescent dyad transitions into comforting consistency; this is when your idiosyncrasies cease being revealing, and become endearing. Love is knowing what your spouse’s behavioral loops look like, and adoring them.
If the relationship maintains its affection after sequences are known, it’s an indicator of bond. You know what’s coming, and you relish it. Your loops intertwine with my loops. Of course not every pattern is always a treasure, but in the aggregate… you want to experience them on repeat for the rest of your life. Patterns of comfort blossom out of adoration and worship, they’re something you can’t imagine living without.
Passion’s early seasons nurture a base of soulful intimacy, and allow a dyad to transition from sensation to soulfulness. A colorful dyad is sustained by a communion that sees patterns of comfort in the other. A nuclear family sprouts out of it.
The foundations of a family entail stability through reliability, built upon loving predictability. Children notice when their parents don’t appreciate each other’s loops.
Kids are harmed when not raised by a dyad. Unstable families lead to unstable individuals. Civilizational malaise emerges when caustic unions and gray monoliths are normalized. Society suffers when its children do. A pair-bonded sexual dyad is the powerhouse of civilized society.
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Biofoundationalism chapters:
Biofoundationalism I: Moral Foundations Utility Theory & Hypermoralization
Biofoundationalism III: Verbal Intelligence and Factual Sediment
Biofoundationalism IV: Masculine Because You Have To, Feminine Because You Get To
a remark on this essay I appreciated, made in the Describing Symphonies comments:
"I’ll also add that your article on relationships—“Comfort”—is prob the most substantive yet succinct primer for describing the seasons of love (and in it I think you move through the four types of love according to Aristotle (and since you don’t read philosophers, that’s rather interesting and impressive coincidence). I just read it and it fully resonated with my life and then immediately sent it to my wife and 2 friends. I just recently found you on here but I’m really impressed so far"
link: https://substack.com/@faith777/note/c-103678487
Absolutely loved reading this. The precision and lucidity with which you craft each sentence is so beautiful, it makes it a pleasure to read and resonate with.
(Haha must be wild being in your brain - so many ideas flying around I bet!) oh well, no genius without a bit of fruitful madness eh :)
Anyways, appreciate this lovely essay, thank you 🙏