The Tim Walz Archetype & Democracy Dies in the Drive Thru
McMuffins as tools of Russian propaganda
Just a fun election-themed post, full of whimsy. Including:
The Tim Walz Archetype
French Fries of Fascism: Democracy Dies in the Drive Thru
The Passion of the Trump
Some spiritually true quotes
The Tim Walz Archetype
Tim Walz is a real-life sitcom dad. A classic common oaf. His plodding gait evokes immediate memories of the sad-trombone sound that played when a lovable cartoon character found himself in quite the pickle yet again. An endearing buffoon, and God bless, him he's doing his best to get out these hijinks he keeps finding himself in.
In a more noble society, he'd be a beloved cobbler. Maybe a merry baker, who always has a fresh batch of his signature Nibble Nubbins (what he calls cinnamon rolls with so much icing you can’t see the bun anymore) ready for the schoolchildren as they get off the bus. “Come get ‘em while they’re hot you ‘lil scooters! I put extra nibblies in these!”. He refers to children as ‘scooters’; which is kind of cute, they do sort of scoot around.
In a large city, he’d be a mirthy doorman with dignity. His zippy “Howdy!” and flappy-handed wave making every tenant really feel like they’re home as he welcomes them inside, offering them a stick of gum or some granola as he holds open the door.
Management doesn’t like that he keeps offering tenants granola out of his bare hands, it’s not befitting of the upper-class ambiance they’re going for. Tim doesn’t do it because he’s intentionally disobeying them, he just keeps forgetting and instinctively handing people whatever snack he’s holding (which is usually granola).
*sad trombone*
Here are some iconic Walzian lines with the wife and kids:
"There's my better half, she's the brains around here!"
"Not sure if I can watch the game tonight fellas, have to ask the boss first!"
"Honey can we have red meat this weekend? I've been walking 8,000 steps a day like you said."
"Swinging eh? And I just watch? Well okay, if that makes you happy sweetheart. If I make the kids’ lunches you think I can join? Jiminy Cricket, it's a deal!"
"I’m the guy who gets sent out for almond milk at 9 pm because I got the wrong kind last time!"
"My daughter's skirt can be as short as she likes, I don't know about any of that girl fashion stuff!"
"I’d love to join you guys for poker, but the only hand I’m playing right now is dishwasher duty."
"Honey come quick, season 53 of Survivor on CBS is about to start!"
French Fries of Fascism: Democracy Dies in the Drive Thru
The unsavory Orange Fiend served up a Hate Mac with a side of Fash Fries in a dastardly plot to thwart democracy for the third time this week. Very Serious journalists confirmed this new brand of Mickey D's fascism could spell the end of women's rights, and turn all McMuffins into tools of Russian propaganda.
Democracy dies in the dictator's deep fryer of oppression. The ketchup dripped from his bigoted buns like the blood that will be spilled if he tyrannically makes the government only modestly smaller.
"The drive thru just got 1 foot longer!" he mockingly jeered at one of the Highly Esteemed reporters. Drawing clear parallels to Trumpian promises from his 2016 campaign, and the Orwellian horrors of a country with minimally viable border security.
Every chicken nugget he boorishly served denied a minority access to an act of 3rd-trimester healthcare. The ice cream machine is now broken because of all the hate speech he muttered while serving an ambiguously-gendered Latino a Happy Meal.
Several political advocacy groups have since started the #WomenForWendys movement. Please encourage those you love to only dine at inclusive establishments where hamburgers are a human right: Wendys.
The Passion of the Trump
Trump is a uniquely antagonistic force. If you subscribe to ensoulment, then something powerful-yet-impish uses him as a vessel. It makes most sense to envision an adversarial angel inside his big billowy suit, operating him with levers and pulleys.
He’s inhabited by a fiercely anti-fragile entity that refuses to accept anything other than advancing the ball. His temperament was forged in a crucible of raw conflict, and he emerged not weary of fighting, but actively pursuing it. Combat is like a form of spiritual nourishment for Trump. He dines on confrontation cornchips. Savors some quarrelsome Quaker Oats. Many are saying this!
Anyone not innervated by such omnipresent aggression would have abandoned this daunting path long ago. Yet he inhales it in, doesn’t seem to phase him. I don’t think there’s a Big 5 personality trait that encapsulates this degree of disagreeableness.
Lawfare, soft violence, hard violence, 37 “felonies” later and here we are, on the cusp of #47 picking up where he left off. His energy is so high because he metabolizes hostility and keeps shitting out victories. He drinks chaos and pisses on enemies. A deeply flawed man, who has managed to turn those flaws into blunt-force objects he swings wildly at anyone he perceives as an enemy. And he has a lot of enemies.
Aside from any partisanship, his unwavering confidence when faced with comically insurmountable odds is inspiring to witness. An anti-hero's journey. The aesthetics are undeniable. Many such cases!
Symbolically Accurate Quotes
The following quotes are spiritually true. To fact check them is to deny yourself and others small joys.
Happy election everyone. Even to all the non-American readers; I know you’re getting sick of it too :)
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God, those spiritually true quotes are beautiful. Is that your original work? Regardless whose it is, it's important. We can't let American bird jobs go to bats!